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    Friday, June 13, 2008

    Anyone lost their panties?

    It all started innocently enough. One Sunday morning, I went to the women’s restroom at church. I quickly scooted into the second stall, thankful that, for once, there wasn’t a line. But to my consternation, there on the floor of my stall I saw a pair of tiny, black, lace underwear.

    I pondered.

    Of all the places I might expect to see abandoned panties—the gym locker room, a Victoria’s Secret dressing room, the stage at a Justin Timberlake concert—church certainly was not one of them. Who did they belong to? Why had she taken them off? And what sad state of distraction was she in to be wandering around church sans underwear and oblivious to her skivvy-less state.

    Then I got to wondering what God thinks of black lace underwear. I’m not legalistic in the least, but is church really the place for lace lingerie? Don’t get me wrong, if I were wearing such an item of clothing, it wouldn’t be the risqué nature of my undergarments distracting me from worshiping God, but rather the itchiness of the fabric. Maybe that’s why they ended up on the floor of the women’s room.

    I did what I’d come to do and then went to the counter to wash my hands. Another woman entered the restroom. She went into stall number two. Then she came right back out and looked at me, one eyebrow raised. “Did you drop something?” she politely asked. “No, they were there when I came,” I replied. Still have my granny panties, thank you very much.

    She looked back at the minuscule panties. Her voice tinged with reluctance, she asked, “Should we take them to lost and found?” I wrinkled my nose. She frowned. Clearly neither of us wanted to carry our anonymous sister-in-Christ’s g-string to the church office. We agreed it was best to leave them be in case our natural friend became aware of a draft beneath her skirt.

    I don’t know what became of the black lace underwear, but I have a vision in my head of a grizzled janitor poking at the tiny pile with the handle of his broom. Far better that than my other mental image: an associate pastor holding them up in front of the congregation. “Panties? Anyone lost their panties?”


    Megan DiMaria said...


    Maybe lace panties on a church potty floor is just one of those mysterious things that simply happen. You know, like the socks on the side of the road. Really! How does someone loose one sock??

    A prisoner of hope,
    Megan DiMaria

    D. Gudger said...

    That kills me! Can't figure out why in the world anyone would want a perma-wedgie, not to mention the itchyness of lace.

    And I echo Megan - I've seen the one sock, one sneaker . . .

    Maybe one of those people in the passenger seat who hangs their feet out window. Driver gets too close to a semi . . .

    MangyCat said...

    Oh my word! We have to put this in the gossip column of the church magazine. But then again...maybe not. LOL

    Beth K. Vogt said...

    Oh. My. Gosh.
    I think a nice "If you a missing a pair of black lace panties" announcement in the bulletin would suffice. No need to insist that some poor pastor hold them up in front of the church.

    And I don't think my faith says I can't wear black lace panties . .. but if I do, I should keep them on.
    Especially in church.

    Tiff (Amber Miller) Stockton said...

    LOL! Only you, Evangeline. Stuff like this could only happen to you. Or at least you're brave enough to talk about it! :)

    And perhaps just an announcement about a lost article of black clothing. Possibly undergarment. Panties would never make it into the bulletin!

    I'm sorry I haven't gotten over here as much as I would like. Had a note jotted to visit, but it joined the rest of the blogs on that list. *sigh*

    Going to subscribe so I get an email reminder. :)

    Cara Putman said...

    That's great. And absolutely CRAZY!

    Paulette Harris said...

    That was one of the funniest blogs I have ever read. You did a good job with show rather than telling!!! :)

    Paulette Harris