follow @ Twitter

    Friday, October 9, 2009

    Bubba and I Hate Each Other

    Awhile ago, I became aware—mostly through my husband’s theatrical sighs when paying bills—that I had a credit card addiction. In order to make myself care about this nebulous problem, I decided to think of my credit card debt as a person--a massive tent-wearing, wobbly-type person. You know, the “before” picture. And so, Bubba was born.

    Since I have Creative Personality Disorder, Bubba soon became an all-too-real imaginary friend. I imagined him waddling behind me at Target, huffing down my neck as I shopped on Amazon.com, and demanding extra whip cream for my frappucino at Starbucks.

    Since my mission—which I never had the option of choosing to accept—was to trim Bubba down a bit, I figured the least the behemoth could do was help me shed a few pounds. You know, I don’t add $4.50 to his swollen waist and he, in return, does not add extra whip cream to mine. Makes sense, right? Somehow I entered into an accountability relationship with a figment of my imagination.

    Shockingly, this did not work. I’m here to say that Bubba and I now hate each other, as evidenced by my suicidal scale and his rent-sized minimum payment. In the name of friendship, we’ve sabotaged each other. He offered to pay for my vanilla bean scones and I, like a weak-willed enabler, let him. Now both of us are huge.

    Which brings me to a ridiculous question, is there therapy for people who have relationship issues with their imaginary friends? Or maybe there’s a prescription that takes care of things like this.

    I’ve heard of this radical freezer therapy where you put your “friend” in a plastic container, fill it with water, then stick him in the deep freeze. As much as I hate Bubba for letting me get even fatter than I started out, I still can’t justify such cruelty.

    What am I to do, folks? Bubba and I are headed for a show-down. I can see it now. I lure him to the Cheesecake Factory, promising to only add a small salad to his straining balance. But just as I’ve duped him with the illusion of my restraint, I add a basket of calamari, a plate of Pad Thai, a couple of girly cocktails, and then four different kinds of cheesecake!! Die, Bubba, die! Bwa ha ha!

    But! Oh, no! What’s this? Just before my credit line draws its last breath, Bubba manages to get one more parting shot in. The cheesecake! Who could have seen that coming? Now my behind is the size of Canada, AND I’m stuck with the colossal carcass of my credit line!

    Okay, okay. Maybe I need to get out more. Take a pill for my hyperactive imagination. Get real friends. Go on a diet. Make a budget.

    I think I’ll call my budget Romilla. Romilla the Red Witch! Romilla the Red is my nemesis! While I do my part to nourish an anorexic economy, Romilla foils my every move, zapping me with lightning whenever I reach the checkout. My husband is Romilla’s unknowing pawn. I must liberate him from her iron fist of cruelty and teach him the ways of gracious overspending.

    Oh dear. I think I have a problem.


    Andrea said...

    I would have a problem if I did not look at my credit card as only spending what i have to spend. I/we pay it off at the end of each month..so if I charge every yummy coffee I want...I might not be able to do that. I have to think about how much has already been put on it before I purchase anything else.

    Blessings and prayers, andrea

    Candee Fick said...

    Thanks for the laugh (although I'm sure there's a serious point in there somewhere). Like Andrea, we pay ours off at the end of every month. But the temptation to whip into Sonic and get an afternoon drink, tator tots, and something for the three whining kids - that's my downfall.

    Good luck taming Bubba AND the budget.

    Jessica said...

    LOL! I'm hating my credit card right now too. We pay ours off every month, but it's still a behemoth. Bleck.

    My advice? Cut Bubba up. Yep. Kill the sucker. LOL

    Good luck! :-)

    Tiffany said...

    Just remind Korey of all the money you are SAVING right now with the good deals you're getting in these terrible economic times... And then post your budget online or tattoo it to your forehead so that everyone can see it and give you a swift kick in the butt! :)

    Kay Day said...

    Kill Bubba. I'm serious. He will kill you first if you don't.
    I only use Debit. When it's gone, it's gone.
    We took a trip to Bankruptcy court before I figured that out.

    Avid Reader said...

    Here is an on-line resource to help you with food. I personally know a few people that had success through this resource:

    Crown Financial Ministries has some great books and resources for financial planning. They even have studies for couples. Here is a link to find a representative in your area, hopefully!

    Jennifer (jkincolorado) said...

    I think I know Bubba's twin brother! Spending money is just too much fun - it's not our fault :) Mmmm, Cheesecake Factory!! ♥