School Supplies Make Me Cry

The Dragon and the Turtle releases today! Look for it in your local Christian bookstore, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon—anywhere but my garage.

To celebrate the release of our children’s book, I went shopping for school supplies today. Yeah, that was a joke.

Just once I’d like to go back-to-school shopping and not end up blubbering in the junk food aisle. Seriously, those school supply lists make me question the goodness of God.

I have a theory. I think teachers make these lists with the intent to torture parents one last time before the kids return to school. Most of the time, I like teachers. Several of my close personal friends teach, and my boys have been blessed with some really dedicated educators in their short school careers. But as I squeeze through the school supply aisle at Wal-Mart, I lose touch with reality a little bit.

I mean, come on. How can I not go bonkers when instructed to purchase three packages of Crayola Washable Markers, 10 Count. You can buy REGULAR Crayola Markers, 10 Count. And you can buy Crayola Washable Markers, 8 Count. But you CANNOT buy Crayola Washable Markers, 10 Count. Apparently, they don’t make them.

Then there are the index cards. I’m supposed to buy pastel index cards. Pastel! Guess what my choices are in office supplies. White and NEON! I smell Conspiracy to Drive Parents Insane, don’t you?

And then there are items like this:

1 package colored copy paper (NOT multi-color) Huh??

2 red felt tip pens (fine tip, NOT permanent) Um, this is in addition to the three packages of Crayola Washable Markers 10 Count?

Chunky is supposed to have 24 No. 2 Standard Yellow Pencils (Papermate Brand) and Monkey is supposed to have 48 (forty-freakin’-eight?!) No. 2 Standard Yellow Pencils (Papermate Brand.) I could not even find ONE Papermate Brand pencil, let alone SEVENTY-TWO!

Now I know someone is going to say I’m over-thinking this. People are always telling me I’m over-thinking things. My mom says it. My husband says it. My counselor says it. The guy who gave me a tissue next to the Little Debbie display said it. But what can I say? I’m just trying to follow directions and keep either of my boys from being known as “that weird kid who only has 8 markers instead of 10.” Or worse, “that freak with the neon index cards.”

I know if I can survive this crisis, my kids will go back to school next week, and I will have eight blissful hours of quiet time every weekday until sometime next June. But for now, I have to count crayons, organize folders by color and type (pockets or brads?), and make sure the box of Kleenex I bought has a minimum of 175 tissues in it.

Please go buy The Dragon and the Turtle. My mental health bill is going to be high.