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    Thursday, August 11, 2011

    Heartbreak! With Unicorns and Aliens

    My baby’s in love. Again.

    No, I’m not talking about almost 10-year-old Monkey. He still thinks girls are water gun targets.

    It’s Chunky who’s met the girl of his dreams. For the third time. We knew we were in trouble when he came home from preschool declaring he was going to marry one of his classmates. He spent the rest of that year telling me how things would change when he and Chante married and moved into our house. And painted it green.

    But time moves on. Girlfriends throw temper tantrums and move to China. You mature. Your tastes change. And kindergarten hits! There you meet a tall blonde with glasses who gives you hugs when you fall off the monkey bars and sits at the peanut-free table with you even though she isn’t allergic.

    Chunky was devoted to his precious Kari all through kindergarten AND first grade. They even got married during one of their playdates. Kari told him firmly that they would be skipping the kissing part of the ceremony. Chunky married her anyway.

    But, alas, it seems elementary school relationships are as changeable as the cafeteria menu.

    A couple of weeks ago, Chunky came home from science camp and informed us he’d met someone new.

    “What’s her name?” I asked.

    “I don’t know. But she has blonde hair and she likes me too.”

    “Maybe you should introduce yourself,” I suggested.

    By the next day he knew all he needed to know. I asked him about his new friend and he said, “Her name is Catherine, and she’s a unicorn underneath her skin.”

    Oh dear, I thought. If he marries someone as creative as he is, they’ll starve.

    Things got a little bit worse from there. I said something to the affect of, “Oh, she likes to play pretend like you?”

    “No, Mom. She really IS a unicorn. AND she’s seen a dead alien. It washed up on the beach.”

    Houston, we have a problem.

    My voice went to that hanging-on-by-a-Hershey-bar pitch. “The beach? Here in Colorado, honey? Because we don’t have a beach.”

    This fact was apparently irrelevant. Catherine has seen a dead alien. Phinneas and Ferb, eat your hearts out!

    The two exchanged phone numbers. Chunky promptly lost hers. So on the last day of camp I introduced myself to her parents and we talked playdates. I’m no better than my son it turns out. I gave them my contact info but failed to get theirs.

    And Catherine hasn’t called.

    Every day my freckled-nosed 7-year-old says with his sad little voice, “When is Catherine going to call? I WISH I hadn’t lost her number! I miss Catherine!”


    My poor baby! Why must girls be so cruel? Especially the really cool, popular ones. You know, the undercover unicorns who think they’re all that because they hang with washed-up extra-terrestrials. Sheesh! Some things never change.

    I have a feeling Chunky’s teen years are going to be very hard. On me.


    Beth K. Vogt said...

    "If he marries someone as creative as he is, they’ll starve."

    See, that's one of the reasons I read this blog. Moments of brilliant truth like that one. You are such a good mom. You know the kind of girl your son needs to date and marry ... and she needs to be, um, no a unicorn underneath her skin.
    I most definitely want to know if Catherine calls. Actually, I want to come to that play date.

    Anonymous said...

    Oh, this brings back memories of when my children were young. Your writing is catchy and very readable. Thanks for the post.

    Daphne said...

    Oh, sweetness! My Seth has been a bit smitten with a girl who he claims has promised him her hand as well. This has gone one for many many months and the girl has no rememberance of such a thing. Until I had boys, I never knew how sensitive many of their hearts are.

    Shannon and Paul said...

    Evangeline - awesome. I agree with Beth about "someone as creative as" line. Brilliant.

    Donita K. Paul said...

    Evangeline has inside knowledge of creative types marrying practical gals. My son, her brother, has had to be brought back from a daydream in order to finish dressing. This happened when he was seven, it was still happening when he was seventeen. I'm sure his dear wife is still knocking on his head from time to time to see if anyone is home. She can budget, do taxes, plan trips, and has a wonderful creative side as well. I thank God my son found her.

    Amy (ArtsyBookishGal) said...

    Well, there goes my hope that Evangeline's brother *is* single. Thanks, MOM! Ah, I'm a creative type anyway; it would never work.

    OK, I'm pretty sure that Catherine *IS* a unicorn under her skin. Didn't you see "THE LAST UNICORN"? That chick was a unicorn under her skin. Catherine is the same. Apparently when she was trying to rescue the rest of her kind (the unicorns) that were chased into the ocean by the red bull, she saw a dead alien (or a jellyfish is more likely.) It makes PERFECT sense to me.

    See, this is why your brother and I would never have worked out. Good thing he's *NOT* single.

    Sonia said...

    I love your posts. They never cease to crack me up. My kids are always asking, "What? What are you laughing at?" when I read your post. I can't get a massage at the spa anymore without thinking of your spa moment. Thanks for the mid-day chuckles.