I thought I’d let you all know that I’ve won the Mother of the Year award again. Sorry to all you hopeful, worthy ladies out there, but the deed is done.
Tuesday night was Girls’ Night at my friend Kari’s house. I volunteered to bring Sangria even though I’d never made it before and only had a vague idea of what it was.
Tuesday morning I found a recipe online that said Sangria--or fruity wine punch--is supposed to sit overnight so the fruit has time to infuse. I didn’t have all night, obviously, but I figured if I made it early enough in the day, the fruit would at least have some time to do its job.
For some reason, it took me several hours to reach this conclusion. The morning was gone and my Sangria wasn’t made.
So I headed to the liquor store and grabbed a bottle of white wine and some blackberry brandy. Then I dashed over to King Soopers and loaded up on citrus fruits, strawberries and pineapple.
At home, I set to work uncorking the bottle—usually Kory’s job. I casually twisted the corkscrew in and nothing happened, so I started paying attention to what I was doing. The screw just wasn’t going any deeper. I did what any independent woman would do in such a situation. I texted my husband at work.
If you read my blog at all, you know Kory is used to getting texts from me that display my incompetence in no uncertain terms.
Me: I can’t get the wine bottle open. I NEED to make the Sangria NOW so it has time to sit. I keep turning and turning the opener and the screw won’t go any deeper in the cork. What am I doing wrong?!
Kory: Sounds like you stripped the cork. Take a pic and send.
Kory: Push down hard while turning. Don’t hold down the handles while turning.
Me: How much further? (I’m sweating at this point.)
Monkey (stole my phone): Yawn. Cookies from Monkey. (Perhaps this make sense if you have ADHD. I don’t know.)
Me (got my phone back): I can’t get it out!!!
Kory: Rock it back and forth.
At this point I realized that it was 3:00 in the afternoon and I was sweating and panicking over opening a wine bottle while both my 8-year-old and my 10-year-old tried to help.
It dawned on me that this was not a personal high point. I thought about going to our neighbors' house to see if Big Strong Matt was home and could open my bottle for me. Then I thought about how that would look and decided against it.
I gave up on that bottle and headed back to the liquor store, fully comprehending that I’d been there only 15 minutes ago and would now walk in, looking desperate and ruffled, to grab another bottle of wine. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I pushed the door open and announced that I’d stripped the cork in the first bottle, and I had to make my Sangria NOW. It was a Sangria emergency.
I grabbed another bottle of white wine and headed to the register where Friendly Neighborhood Liquor Store Owner wrinkled his nose and said, “You use for Sangria? Too sweet.”
I gave him a look that said, “And that’s a problem how?”
Back at home I set to work on the second bottle. Kory got the following text at 3:23 PM.
Me: 2nd bottle already giving me trouble. Gonna cry. Does the screw have to go all the way in?
Kory: You have a better chance if it does.
Me: Was I supposed to take the green paper off first? Should I take the screw out and peel off the paper then try again?
Kory: Do anything that might help.
Me: But will unscrewing it strip it again?
Kory: Not if you’re careful.
Me (hysterical): Is it too late already?
But it wasn’t. I put the screw in the cork and cranked down a few more times and Viola! I got it.
Kory got this picture.
Kory: LMAO. Success has its benefits.
Me: I’ve won the Mother of the Year award again, haven’t I?
Kory: *diplomatic silence*
Girls’ Night was a blast and the Sangria was delicious. I am a little worried about future biographies of my life written by my children and possibly Friendly Neighborhood Liquor Store Owner. He’d probably title it Crazy Lady Use White Wine in Sangria or Suburban Mom Don’t Know Crap.
Beware of the “Sagging Middle”
11 hours ago