A Crash is Coming

I did something stupid.

I registered for a conference in April (not the stupid part) and signed up to pitch the novel I’m currently writing (clearly the stupid part!) 

Most writers' conferences make it a rule that you can’t pitch a novel that isn’t complete. It makes sense. I mean how frustrating would it be for an agent or editor to hear from an author with a great book idea then find out the project isn’t done? Probably about as frustrating as being an author with a great book idea and only a month to complete the manuscript!

I get stupider.

I also decided that March should be a weight-loss month for me. I purchased a diet product that has worked in the past and plan to start the 26 day program March 1^st.

The other day I optimistically told my husband that I’d spend the month of March writing and NOT eating.

Kory gave me a look and said, “Honey, when have those two things EVER gone together?”

Sigh. He just had to go and yank the purple out of my rainbow.

But he’s right. One of my critique partners once said, “I’d love to see your face while you write this stuff.”

I told her, “It looks like this” and pantomimed one hand on the keyboard, the other stuffing my face.

It’s been scientifically proven (I don’t know by whom) that chewing helps you think.

So here are the facts:

1. I have to write roughly 60,000 words to finish my novel.
2. I. Can’t. Eat.

Here are my options:

1. Abandon all hope of losing weight and just do whatever it takes to finish the novel. My critique group advocated for this approach, but I fear if I take their advice I may have a finished novel and not be able to fit through the conference doors.
2. Learn to like celery.

Mmmm! I love celery! Celery is the best thing that ever happened to this world. I mean, it’s so much better than rhubarb, which tastes so awful people try to mask it with strawberries of all things.

At this point in the blog, some well-meaning reader is thinking, “I’m going to leave Evangeline a comment and tell her to just develop better eating habits. Eat healthy and with an eye to moderation. Get plenty of rest and exercise. And drink water. Getting healthy requires a lifestyle change, not a binge diet.”

Well-meaning reader, you are absolutely right. But unlike my approach to skin care and housework (do enough to get by) with dieting, it’s all or nothing. I have two settings:

1. Subsist on 500 calories a day
2. Eat everything in sight.

I’m not saying this is as it should be, but for some reason that’s how my willpower works. Or doesn’t.

So as we head into March, I worry for my family. I worry for my wordcount. I worry for the victims of my coming crankiness. I worry for the characters in my novel, who already live in a dystopian world and will likely be forced to eat something really nasty, like rhubarb, because their insane creator is on a crash diet.