Should you--do to some unforeseen, catastrophic event--find yourself in a coffee shop without WiFi, there are a few steps to take in order to preserve sanity and, indeed, even life.
1. Take a deep breath. Realize that life is full of these little trials and navigating them builds character. 2. Go ahead and order a double shot of espresso. The stimulant will take the edge off your panic attack. 3. In a casual voice, ask the barista if the bagel shop next door has WiFi you can access. Note: Do not scream hysterically at the person behind the counter as this leads to spilled coffee, frightened whimpering, and, in the case of more proactive baristas, expulsion from the premises.
Once you’ve gotten your coffee, find a seat. And here’s an unexpected benefit: you don’t have to fight anyone for the table near the outlet. See, there can even be a positive side to this situation.
Go ahead and check your mobile device at this point, just to reassure yourself that the Internet has not vanished even though you find yourself in this backward, wireless-handicapped place.
Once you’ve stowed your Blackberry or Smartphone, you may develop a moderately severe condition known as “What do I do with my Hands? Syndrome.” Relax! It’s temporary.
In the absence of a keyboard to keep your fingers busy, you can:
1. Fold your hands in your lap. 2. Wrap them around your coffee cup. 3. Wave casually to other stranded caffeine addicts.
Do not, under any circumstances, pick something. This includes your nose, your wedgie, and the fake flower petals at your table.
When you’ve finished your coffee, grab your unopened laptop bag, exit the shop, and continue with your day, confident in the fact that you have overcome one of the foremost obstacles in the path of Internet dependence, the Medieval Coffee Shop.