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    Wednesday, November 24, 2010

    Attack of the Giant Mutant Barnyard Fowl

    I have to say, thankfulness was not my first emotion when Mom informed me she’d ordered a turducken for me to cook for her sixtieth birthday celebration. I have difficulties eating, handling, and even thinking about meat. No one understands this, least of all me.

    A chicken stuffed inside a duck that is stuffed inside a turkey sounded like a monster from a horror film in my opinion. I pictured a giant, featherless mutant bird stomping down a deserted city street, flapping its naked wings while I desperately tried to get away. Needless to say, I had more than one nightmare about the whole thing.

    When the turducken arrived last Friday, it looked innocuous enough in a vacuum-sealed cooler plopped on my doorstep by the FedEx guy. I was all for leaving it in the neat packaging, but since I was supposed to cook it the next day, I knew I’d have to lift the sarcophagus lid and remove and defrost the mummy within.

    Having cooked a Thanksgiving turkey before, I knew what I might be facing: raw, yellowish skin, that horrible, gaping cavity, the disgusting stuff they put back in the cavity, maybe a feather or two.

    Excuse me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

    Ok, back to the turducken. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as a turkey. You see, turduckens come already assembled. I assume the folks who do this are pitiable inhabitants of a mental institution. After all, if you told me I had to stuff a chicken inside a duck then stuff that duck inside a turkey, I’d kill you and then plead insanity.

    Thankfully, the only drastic measure necessary for our turducken was an extra-long ice water bath. The next day, Mom’s birthday, all I had to do was unwrap the thing, put it in a roasting pan, and stick it in the oven.

    Here’s proof that I did it.

    It came out so well, I didn’t even have time for a picture of the finished product before it was eaten. A few of Mom’s birthday guests volunteered to let me take a picture of their full tummies, but I told them that was just weird.

    We had a wonderful celebration but never managed to agree on exactly how the chicken came to be inside a duck that ended up in a turkey. Here are a few of our theories:

    1. Time-travel
    2. Alien abduction
    3. Genetic engineering
    4. “Beam me up, Scottie” gone terribly wrong
    5. Splinching, similar to #4 but with a Harry Potter twist. After all, if Ron Weasley can’t apparate, then how can we expect dim-witted barnyard fowl to do it?
    6. “A turkey, a duck, and a chicken walk into a bar…”

    If you have any ideas of your own, please share. Let’s remember to keep it PG, shall we?

    Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!


    Danica/Dream said...

    Too cute!!

    I uh, actually know how it happens. I was looking for stuffing recipes because I HATE stuffing and I have to make it this year, and this lovely website talked about how to make your own turducken. It involves deboning the animals, then stuffing them. Trust me, you went the right route.

    Heather Diane Tipton said...

    have you lost weight? you look great!