Ok, it wasn’t exactly eye surgery, but a week ago I had a mole removed from my eyelid. Since it was so near my tear duct, I went to an ocular-plastic surgeon for the procedure. He was a nice guy and did a great job, but I thought it was sort of strange that he numbed my eyeball with drops and gave me the first of several shots before asking me to sign a waiver. I’m pretty sure my signature looked like it was written by a second-grader on a sugar high.
The procedure was quick and painless, aside from the numbing shots. When he was done, I asked, “How bad does it look? Is it really gross?”
He laughed. “No, not at all. Here, I’ll show you.”
He held a mirror up to my face, and even half-blind I could see the bloody hole in my eyelid. So I asked him, “What is your definition of gross? Because this is mine.”
He insisted that I did not need an eye patch despite my argument that it would get me cool points with my boys. So I put my sunglasses on and stumbled out to the waiting room where my Mom waited to drive me home. And here begins my list of things you should not do after having eye surgery:
1. Drive. The doctor warned me about this one, so I brought Mom along to help. He did not warn me about the next thing on the list.
2. Walk. We had to stop at Walgreens for my prescription. At this point I could see out of both eyes, but I didn’t know my depth perception was off. I walked into the car in the parking space beside us.
3. Read, upside down, in the dark, to 25 third-graders. Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t have volunteered to read scary stories for the fall party the day after my surgery.
4. Stare at the laptop screen.
5. Watch TV.
6. Wear eyeliner.
7. Light jack-o-lanterns.
8. Gaze romantically into husband’s eyes. “Ew, honey! Your eye is oozing.”
9. Do anything that makes you cry, including chopping onions, paying bills, and watching Toy Story 3.
10. Eat Thai food.
You’ll be happy to know that, a week later, I’m nearly healed. I still wish I’d gotten that eye patch though.