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    Wednesday, January 19, 2011

    I May be Fat, but I Sound Cool

    There’s a reason shopping is called retail therapy. This morning I felt icky, then I did me some shopping. Now I feel better. Simple enough.

    Check out my present to myself.

    This is perfect because many of my friends call me “E”—out of affection or laziness I’m not sure. But having lived with the name Evangeline Elnora (Tompkins) Denmark, my whole life, I don’t blame anyone for shortening that mouthful.

    Anyway, you may wonder why I’ve turned to shopping to numb my stress instead of my usual go-to, food. Or, maybe you’re operating on all cylinders today and you assumed that, like the rest of the nation, I’m on a diet. Oh the misery! The horror! The lack of tasty snacks! Right now I’m craving cranberry Wensleydale cheese like nobody’s business.

    This time around, Kory decided to join me in my tribulation. Isn’t he a saint? It does make cooking easier. But the other day Chunky asked me, “Why is Daddy on a diet too? Is he just keeping you company?”

    Isn’t that cute? Bless his stinkin’ little heart.

    I try not to use the D word around the house because the experts seem to think hearing it will damage my children’s self-esteem. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I think that principle must apply to girls. I can’t see overhearing the word diet making any kind of a dent in my boys’ unshakable belief that they are the center of the universe.

    Still, it’d be nice if we could put a more positive spin on the whole self-inflicted starvation thing. Oh sure, I’ve heard it termed “getting healthy,” but that little euphemism isn’t fooling anyone. What if we had a different code for dieting?

    While I was thinking about the joys of “healthy eating,” it occurred to me that I’ve had to find other interests to fill the time I would have normally spent eating. I already knew I liked to shop, but I’m discovering other pastimes now that my absorbing passion for food is simmering on the back burner. Like watching classic 80s movies, re-organizing Legos, and reading strange, free books on my Kindle.

    Wouldn’t I sound cool if, instead of turning down invitations to food-centric events and being forced to admit that I’m on a diet (as if it’s a secret that I need to lose weight), I could say, “I’m sorry I can’t come. I’m exploring alternative forms of entertainment.”

    Just picture it.

    A business contact says, “Let’s meet for lunch.”

    I say, “I’m exploring alternative forms of entertainment. How about we meet at a museum?”

    Family friends invite us over for dinner.

    I say, “We’re exploring alternative forms of entertainment. How about a game night?”

    My mom says, “Let me take you out for coffee.”

    I say, “I’m exploring alternative forms of entertainment. Will you take me out for a nose piercing?”

    Our small group leader asks, “Are you going to the church potluck?”

    I say, “I’m exploring alternative forms of entertainment. Let’s go to that hookah bar downtown.”

    The head of the PTA suggests, “Ladies, let’s do brunch.”

    I say, “I’m exploring alternative forms of entertainment. Let’s do interpretive dance.”

    See how much cooler that sounds? I don’t see any potential problems with this, do you?


    Holly said...

    heh heh...I think you're on the right track, wrong lane.
    This does not mean, however, that I will not be implementing some of your genius ideas.

    I like being in the wrong lane sometimes.

    Kersley Fitzgerald said...

    Your small group leader says, "Let's have small group."

    You say, "I'm exploring alternative forms of entertainment."

    Your small group leader says, "Let's actually study the Bible instead of eating chocolate and watching movies."

    Avid Reader said...

    You might be interested in this FREE on-line Christian study: The Lord's Table:http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/lords-table/

    This would be a great form of alternative entertainment! :-D

    Beth K. Vogt said...

    As one of those friends who call you "E," I assure you it is said with much affection.
    And I'd go to a hookah bar or a museum or interpretative dance class with you any time. I hear Zumba is fun--it mixes exercise and dancing!

    Daphne said...

    you should let me teach you how to crochet

    Donita K. Paul said...

    You put the nose piercing in there to get a rise out of your old mom. It's not going to work. Affectionately, Your mom.

    Evangeline Denmark said...

    Kersley, I'll take you up on that invitation.
    Beth, I've also heard Zumba is fun. I have another friend who's trying to get me to do it.
    Daphne, I'll give crocheting a whirl.
    Mom, all right, all right, make it an eyebrow piercing then.

    Atypical Girl said...

    Omigosh....this is awesome. I love it. I need to lose weight, too, but it's oh-so-hard. You put a nice spin on it though.

    I like the "alternative forms of entertainment" ideas. I try to make the best out of eating in situations because I'm diabetic, so...I've got to eat.

    Sometimes I wish eating wasn't such a pain and I actually enjoyed the whole process. It's like you feel guilty if you eat something tasty, but feel deprived if you eat something healthy. Sigh.